Let’s Talk About Sex

Publish date: 2021-08-09
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As humans, we are hardwired for emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual intimacy and one way we aim to do that is through sex.

While many equate sex with an expression of love that deepens the bond between two people and brings emotional closeness, some view sex as an outlet to release stress and tension.

One major aspect of personal growth and self-actualization is to master the domain of sexuality and sensuality so that you can move past impulsive reactions and compulsive drives to conscious responses. For that, you need experiences that can assist you in identifying your sticky points and helps you to develop the ability to free yourself from them.

It's important to make a  discernment between sensuality and sexuality.

Sexuality is associated with sexual arousal and revolves around the act of sex. Sensuality refers to passion and emotions, and the feeling part of sex ( e.g. taste, touch, sound, and smell). 

When sexuality and sensuality are intertwined we create a more vivid and animated picture that evokes desire in our erotic mind. This in a way highlights our personal sex-related preferences and learned sexual behavioral patterns. 

When consensual, sex is supposed to be fun and leads to the release of feel-good chemicals. 

Whether you’re a person who equates sex with something that the body does or whether you perceive sex as something spiritual that connects you to another person physically or emotionally if some basic essentials are not clearly communicated between you and your intimate partner it becomes difficult to be completely open and enjoy the act of lovemaking.

Many avoid having the talk. This could be due to insecurity, poor self-esteem, and self-image, fear of losing control or missing out on an opportunity, fear of vulnerability,  social, religious, cultural factors, or strictly biological needs. More often we tend to think that asking these questions could make things awkward and take away from the spontaneity. 

But remember sexual and sensual experiences will take up physiological and psychological memory and you will end up carrying these memories with you throughout your life. Memories act as filters that blur the vision and prevent one from seeing things as they are. 

This means you will need to develop emotional and mental maturity to view things objectively. By extracting lessons from experiences, you learn to prevent repeating past mistakes and falling into unhealthy cycles or even keeping yourself from experiencing things for fear of getting hurt.

To understand what you really want out of your relationships or in what dynamic you’re willing to be a  part of, you need to have the talk with yourself and with your likely intimate partner. 

The talk you need to have with yourself and your potential partner

Disconnect from external inputs and create space for yourself to reflect. Go within and get clear on the answers to these questions. You want to be fully accountable for the decisions you will make from now on so you can confidently pose these questions to the other person.

 Before getting sexually intimate with someone ask yourself:

  • What does having sex mean to me? what feeling do I associate with sex?
  • Am I ready for intimacy and is this a wise choice for me? Can I live with the result of my decision years into the future or could this become a choice I live to regret?
  • What are my sex-based relationship expectations? For instance, am I seeking a casual relationship or am I at that point in life that I want something serious?
  • What are my sexual expectations in terms of safety? What level of emotional intimacy and commitment am I looking for? For instance, am I looking for an open relationship or do I seek exclusivity?

Here are a few things to keep in mind when having the talk:

  • Have the talk in person.
  • If you're unsure about your ability to control your urges, meet them outdoors where you can create the space between the talking and the doing. In the heat of the moment, we are driven by our urges and emotional states.  Having these conversations usually gets people aroused and as a result, one might make a decision that they end up paying for years into the future.
  • Remember, your body language and tone of voice can help all discussions go much easier.
  • You’re not conducting an interrogation but upfront open communication can protect you from running the risk of potentially unfavorable outcomes. So, handle these risks with responsibility, mindfulness, and care. 
  • Talk about your desires, fears, and boundaries. What’s your fantasy? What do you like to do and what do you like to be done to you? What are your turn-ons and turn-offs? What are your hard limits? What is off limits?
  • Get clear on your motives. Are you seeking new experiences to quench your curiosity and add more flavor to your sex life? Or are you seeking new experiences to understand your complexities or to get over an emotionally mentally upsetting physically painful experience?

For instance, a question such as “I'm looking for …... what about you?” can be a good way to express your intentions and inquire about the other person’s intention.

You can always start these conversations by taking the initiative to give the other person insights into what you desire, fear, and consider as your personal boundaries.

Be ready to answer the questions that you want to ask the other person.

  • What do I really want for myself? For the other person? For the relationship?
  • How could having sex change the direction of the connection if things go well?
  • How would that affect what we currently have if things go sideways? 

The purpose of asking these questions is to help create awareness around the things that are important to you and not to promote fear-based inaction. 

The three things you need to know before jumping into the deep end 

Whether it's a one-time thing or a recurring frequent encounter or you are into casual and open or serious and monogamous connections, to protect yourself and your partner from more emotional, mental, and physical pain it is best to be upfront with your potential intimate partner. There are three things that you must know before having sex with someone: 

1.Sexual health history and most recent test

You need to know if your potential partner has any STDs or STIs.  

2.Current relationship status and physical and emotional involvement. 

You need to know if your potential partner is currently in a relationship and if you have sex would anyone else be impacted by it?

3.Sexual protection and prevention plan 

Using protection can protect you and/or your partner from unplanned pregnancy and can reduce the risk of your exposure to sexually transmitted diseases and infections. Your safety comes first so be upfront and direct about wanting to use protection.

The bottom line is that to gain mastery in the domain of sexuality and sensuality you need direct experience.  By making an informed decision you can enter situations that support your physiological and psychological health, both today and in the long run.

Remember, being aware and cautious is not the same as operating from a place of fear.

In your opinion, what are some other factors that one needs to consider prior to having sex with someone?

Share with me your thoughts, feedback or questions here.